"I find television very educational.
"Every time someone turns it on,
"I go in the other room and read a book."
"— Groucho Marx
"I want my children to have all the things
"I couldn’t afford.
"Then,
"I want to move in with them."
"— Phyllis Diller
"I used to sell furniture for a living.
"The trouble was,
"it was my own."
"— Les Dawson
"I can resist everything
"except temptation."
"— Oscar Wilde
"I always wanted to be somebody,
"but now I realize
"I should have been more specific."
"— Lily Tomlin
"People say nothing is impossible,
"but I do nothing every day."
"— A. A. Milne
"By the time a man realizes
"that his father was right,
"he has a son who thinks
"he’s wrong."
"— Charles Wadsworth
"I cook with wine,
"sometimes,
"I even add it to the food."
"— W. C. Fields
"Life is short.
"Smile while you still have teeth."
"— Unknown
"I have enough money
"to last me the rest of my life,
"unless I buy something."
"— Jackie Mason
"Light travels faster than sound.
"This is why some people appear bright
"until you hear them speak."
"— Alan Dundes
"I used to be indecisive.
"Now I’m not so sure."
"— W. C. Fields
"I’m not superstitious,
"but I am a little stitious."
"— Michael Scott
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
"Because they make up everything."
"— Unknown
"I always arrive late at the office,
"but I make up for it
"by leaving early."
"— Charles Lamb
"I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.
"It’s impossible to put down."
"— Steven Wright
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
"They don’t have the guts."
"— Al McGuire
"I told my wife
"she should embrace her mistakes.
"She gave me a hug."
"— Rodney Dangerfield
"If you think nobody cares
"if you’re alive,
"try missing a couple of payments."
"— Earl Wilson
"I’m writing a book.
"I’ve got the page numbers done."
"— Steven Wright
"If at first you don’t succeed,
"then skydiving
"definitely isn’t for you."
"— Steven Wright
"Behind every successful man
"is a surprised woman."
"— Maryon Pearson
"A clear conscience
"is a sure sign
"of a bad memory."
"— Mark Twain
